How Ditching the Self-Help Materials Made Me Happier

Photo by Shiromani Kant on Unsplash

Don’t get me wrong, I needed the support and guidance I got from self-help materials, they were the easiest and cheapest way to access any kind of therapy. Indeed they transformed my life but, over time, they became a big part of the problem.

I went through a tough spell a couple of years ago, with a family breakdown, depression and a general sense of WTF was all this about. I had turned 50, my only child had left home, and the pandemic hit — it was a perfect storm of shitty things.

Shortly after the pandemic, I finally managed to sell a house after two years of trying and I had a bit of money in the bank, so I left my teaching career and started a journey of introspection and therapeutic activity.

I started doing daily guided meditations on Insight Timer and I immersed myself in new age activities. I still love all this stuff and it definitely has its place in my life but I had to let it go for a time. The constant self-reflection kept me embedded in my trauma. It was a daily reminder that things had been bad. It wasn’t moving me on, even though I felt ready for it.

I remember wondering why I wasn’t feeling any better. The answer was that it was down to me to just let it go. A bit like a course of antibiotics. You need to take them for a while but too much for too long will give you an uncomfortable itch!

It wasn’t good for me to take a daily dip into my difficult life events. Social media algorithms tapped into my mood and I received regular, daily exposure to life coaches and psychology experts telling me what a victim I was and the people who wronged me were monsters, and for a while, I bought into that.

I did feel hurt and angry at my treatment by others but it became a trap. A cycle of ‘poor me’. I risked becoming tied to my victimhood when all I wanted to do was be happy.

So I had to remove myself from my social media account algorithm. Blocking self-help gurus and positivity experts. Instead, I chose ‘happier’ things to follow, such as cat videos and crafters.

I put away the books, guided meditations, and podcasts that supported me in the darkest days. It seemed to want to keep me there, albeit just a little. It is a business after all, and how can they make any money if we are not regularly reminded that we are miserable?

I chose to reconnect with friends that I had privately over-analysed. Recognising that we all have had our cross to bear and by removing myself from the equation, I was not helping anyone.

I set strong, firm boundaries with the family members who I have a troubled past with. There is no going back with them, but I can move forward with a new relationship.

Self-help did its job but I had to recognise that it had a limit. I am grateful to have had access to so much free material but I had to make a choice — continue as I was and lock myself into victimhood or make the break and choose to be happy.

I choose happiness!

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