Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship
LIFE STORIESPERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash
I quit smoking seven years back. But I remember vividly the moments of agony while I was trying to quit. I felt extremely helpless and lonely.
Helpless, because I realized humans are a slave to their emotions and urges. I had no control over my actions. I didn’t want to smoke, but somehow my urges convinced me otherwise.
Lonely, because I was the only one who could free myself from the shackles of my impulses. I realized what Eliud Kipchoge meant when he said “Only the disciplined are free.”
And that’s exactly how my last relationship was. Toxic, and hard to quit.
The Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship
“We accept the love that we think we deserve"
— The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I knew it was toxic a few months into my relationship. But I wasn’t able to act. I felt like a piece of debris floating in the open ocean. Quitting something that I thought was going to feel heavenly was, first of all, a direct assault on my decision-making ability. I have a big ego, and I didn’t want to prove myself wrong.
Secondly, it’s like wiping the canvas clean after you have painted a breathtaking painting on it. It’s really, really hard.
Thirdly, fears of being alone, or your insecurities of not finding someone as good, fog your mind.
And sometimes, the seduction of possibilities, that something might change in the future, held me back.I knew how relationships make you feel. You’ll have your altercations, but most of the time, you’ll feel good.
In my relationship, however, I felt bad about myself most of the time. I conjured up negative situations in my head frequently and started overthinking and fretting. I thought I was the cause of our lackluster relationship. That I over-thought, I didn’t look at the bright side; I complained frequently.
But I later realized that this kind of behavior was an effect and not a cause. The actual causes were my partner’s callousness. Pointed comments, needless comparisons, constant belittling, and lying without covering the tracks, used to push me on my edge.I knew she was in a position of strength. Somebody can be callous and rude to you over a period only in two cases. One, if they don’t care about you. Second, if they don’t give a fuck about you.
Nevertheless, I felt like my only ray of hope in the darkness was my partner. Like a moth would feel looking at the flame of a candle.
If you have become dependent on your partner for your emotional needs, then you should know that you’re in a toxic relationship. A relationship should never narrow down possibilities in your life. It should open up the sky for you. It should be liberating and not restricting. But in a toxic relationship, you’ll see light at the end of the tunnel. You’ll run towards the light, never realizing that the tunnel was never meant to be dark in the first place.
How to Quit a Toxic Relationship
“The hardest part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is admitting you’re in one.”
— Anna Akana
It all starts by acknowledging that you are in a toxic relationship. Some people don’t even realize that they are in an unhealthy relationship. So it’s important to know what a toxic relationship feels like.
Other than the obvious signs where your partner is physically abusive, in which case you should immediately report him or her to the authorities, below are a few subtle, hard to recognize signs.
You don’t feel good about the relationship most of the time.
You are being compared to other partners frequently
You often get the feeling that your partner is lying
There is a lack of empathy in your conversations
You feel your self worth has declined
Sex is the only part of the relationship that your partner looks forward to
You feel helpless and lonely
You are often belittled and, at times, badgered
Your partner often pokes at your insecurities, trying to find places where it hurts the most
The foundation of trust is missing from your tomb of love
Someone who’s not been through a toxic relationship will call a person crazy and foolhardy for ignoring such telltale signs. But it’s only when you are in one that you realize that “Love is blind.”
Once you recognize you are in a toxic relationship, then you get the courage to act.
A lot of my friends told me to quit smoking when I was in college. But I never wanted to, even though I knew I had to. I never had the intent. The intent developed when I got to know how taxing smoking was, both on my health and my finances. Once I understood that smoking is affecting my life tremendously, I could act.
Similarly, with a toxic relationship, it’s important to know that you are in a rut. You don’t want to get out of it, but you know you have to. For that, you need to build the intent. That’s the most important step.
Once that is done, you’ll find your ways to cope up with the anguish of letting go. I’ll share a few that worked for me.
1. Get out of your shell
I used to sit in my room and brood over my relationship for hours. I felt terrible, helpless, and thought that this was a personal problem and no one will understand it.
But that was my biggest mistake. Being alone with your thoughts rumbling in your head is the last thing you would want. It feels depressing, and nothing changes. Even after days of sulking, you are still caught up in the vortex of your toxic relationship.
“Spend time with people who make you feel good, treat yourself to your favorite meal, go to church, spend time outside, or do whatever brings you joy,” says Kristen Fuller, a physician and clinical mental health writer for Center for Discovery.
This will help you in building confidence in yourself, and once you talk about your relationship with someone, they might help you in dealing with it. And who knows, you might meet someone special. Give yourself a chance.
Getting the toxicity out of your system is important. And having fun with your friends and meeting fresh faces will help you with that.
2. Talking about the toxicity with your partner
Sometimes confronting your partner helps in ending the relationship or bringing it back on track. A lot of time people stay in a toxic relationship because they think their partner will change in the future. But that is the seduction of possibilities. Don’t fall for it.
When I confronted my partner, she didn’t accept what I had to say most of the time. “Don’t be overly dramatic,” was her go-to reply. She didn’t even acknowledge that something was wrong, that we need to work on something to iron out the wrinkles that were ruining the fabric of our relationship.
And that was the last nail in the coffin for me. It was a confirmation that this relationship is going to remain toxic as my partner was not attempting to understand my feelings.
But sometimes partners can be short-tempered. In that case, you can write them a message expressing your feelings without pointing a finger at them directly, says Kristen.
3. Work on activities that you love doing
“Hobbies not only boost self-esteem, but they provide a good place to meet new partners when the time is right,” says Dr. Kelly Campbell, an associate professor of psychology and human development at California State University, San Bernardino.
Playing table tennis and the urge to write my thoughts on a piece of paper helped me when I was feeling low.
We should always find something — a hobby, a creative activity, your job — where you try to reach perfection. This helps to divert your attention from destructive thoughts to constructive ones.
In fact, when I didn’t feel like writing and had no one to play table tennis with, I would pop my laptop open and start working, even if it was a weekend.
The result?
I wrote a ton of articles, became good at table tennis, made some new friends, and got appreciated for my work at the office. The best part? All this while I was dealing with a toxic relationship.
Moving on is the “happily ever after”
Relationships make you feel good. If you feel terrible all the time, there is no point in being in a relationship?
But logic and decision-making take a backseat when we are talking about human emotions. Our emotions blur our decision-making abilities and our fears control our behavior. It’s a difficult situation.
But as they say, where there is a will, there is a way. See what the relationship is doing to you and then decide to pull yourself out of it. Acknowledging this much is half of the journey. The rest is easy.
You might find it hard to ruin the idea of “happily ever after,” but as Steve Marboli, behavioral scientist and best-selling author said, “There are many paths to a fairytale ending. Blocking, unfollowing, muting, and unfriending can also lead to “happily ever after.”